With the Hammersmith Apollo out of action, the stand-by Mock the Week panellists of Hammersmith and Fulham made the journey to Spring Hill for an early season showdown. 

There followed a game of rugby.

Ollie Jenner scored and looked good. Then his face and shoulder exploded. Hammersmith passed the ball to the wings a few times and ran around us. A couple of penalties happened then Hammersmith ran around us again.

Then the real game started. Like when Jack Whitehall goes into his final 5 minute encore to his adoring crowds about what women are like, y’know, what are they like eh?

Seven points down and staring an opening day defeat in the face, Ultan Murphy showed the kind of strength of character one expects from a man who followed through on losing a bet to get an airplane tattooed on his arm. Speaking as a man who knows a thing or two about sh*t tatts, I assume that must be the reason he got it. Not only did he manage to get the charge down to score the try, he did it despite the fact that a couple of particularly Wildean wits in the crowd had noticed and commented upon the fact that he had big hair. Guffaw guffaw.

With a draw seeming like the most fair/unfair* result, the referee managed to pick an offence out of a broken scrum that was harder to identify that a funny comment from the Hammersmith fans. A chance for the win for Hammersmith. As a kicker myself (a kicker that made all of his kicks including one from beyond the 10 metre line) I know how hard a job it can be so I don’t want to make too big a thing of it, but it was missed. And we drew.

My final wish, dear reader, is that this match report can be screenshotted in its entirety or else printed on a single page of A4 and laminated ahead of our season ending clash against the Live at the Apollo resident comics.

*Delete as appropriate depending on whether you are dressed to go punting in Henley