A match reporter will, in the ordinary course of events, attend the match on which he reports. But the Gogs way is never ordinary. And so, with your reporter in China, this match report will be an account of what one assumes must have taken place against Cuffley for the Gogs to secure a Cup Final against Amersham later this month. One imagines that the usual suspects must have done their usual things. Hanton must have shouted at the forwards. Jepps must have shouted at the ref. And Franck must have shouted about all the frustrations of life. 


Daddy Baker did not do his usual thing for he was in the labour ward. And then, into this world was born a son, unto the soon-to-be Mr and Mrs Baker, whose name will be withheld here, so as to surprise future opponents with his greatness. We shall call him Baker Jr. And so Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the wonders of rugby, and waited for news of the score. 


Mike Waithe, who later in the evening would deservedly be named the club’s Most Improved Player, must have locked out the scrum, with due assistance from Sankar. No assistance must have come from Rolfin, whose ship ran aground on the morning of the match, but instead from Dave Bates who stepped in at hooker. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the dark arts of scrums, and waited for news of the score.


Adam Faulkner must have had a good game because you can't rack up a score without a performance at No. 9 and because, well, he's Adam Faulkner. It is wrong to make assumptions about John Chung just because he's a winger and the Gogs’ top scorer this season. But he must have, and indeed did, score. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of indestructible Welshmen, and waited for news of the score.


Mike Abiodun must have taken a break from his crusade for truth, justice, and the British way, to charge over for a try. His late-season Gogs cameos have been fruitful ones - even if they are hampering his campaign to be Lord Chancellor. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the no-ruck breakdown, and waited for news of the score. 


Patch Thompson must have also scored twice, because this reporter has been told that he did, and Gogs are more likely to ignore Thompson’s rare scores than to make them up. One assumes Young Patch was showing off for Baker Jr - easier for him now that he’s gone from Pampers to Pull-ups. However this reporter later found out that in fact Young Patch was showing off for Mrs Young Patch, who had made the long trip from Belfast to live-tweet support and mockery at her bae in equal measure. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of running jokes, and waited for news of the score. 


Young guns Akbari, Moody, and O’Shea must have put in good shifts because they're young and at this level that's a good measure of likely excellence. And Uzo must have kept quiet, for he too was on the score sheet, and one cannot score from the bin. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the dangers of dissent, and waited for news of the score. 


Later in the game, Tom Jepps must have crossed twice, once thanks to his own drive, the other thanks to a pass that everyone who didn't see it will say was flat. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the difference between endomorphic and ectomorphic body types, and waited for news of the score.


Tom Davies, Alex Guassardo, and Chris Reay must have played well - not least because there is no need to throw casual shade from a continent away. And Ed Langelier must also have had a good game, because Baker isn't going to be on paternity leave forever, and Ed is scared of him. Meanwhile, Daddy Baker told Baker Jr of the joys of man management, and waited for news of the score. 


And then the game was done. And across London Daddy Baker heard the news and told Baker Jr of the glory of the Gogs. And Junior said to his father - don't be ridiculous, newborns can't talk - but with his eyes, he said to his father: "STRONG".