Willy Hitchin and the Rugby Factory

Once upon a time in a land far away (Hertfordshire) the people were awoken from their summer slumber with bizarre rumours spreading around town; Willy Hitchin had placed seventeen special golden invitations to visit his Rugby Factory carefully hidden in the lucky folks email inboxes.

So the fortunate few opened there inboxes and soon boarded the magic train calling in on Wally Hitchin and the Rugby Factory. Initially they found themselves in the grunt room were the scrums took place. It was easy to see the boys were uncomfortable with the bigger specimens Willy Hitchin had put there to push them about, especially since the nasty bigger boys had many more even bigger boys waiting in case they got tired. The brave boys from Hackney had no such luxuries available. Such was Willy Hitchin’s fascination with the larger gent; he even had more prop forwards disguised as fly halfs and centres. But there disguise was a futile one which fell apart when their urge to re-join the chaos of the scrum by running back towards it at the first opportunity gave the game away. Never less, Nic Stuart a new comer to the rugby factory with Hackney- hassled, harassed and hurried until the larger gents lost interest. Sam Joyce, Blair Gray and Khris Sanker tolerated the grunt room till the very end which helped greatly in the Hackney boy’s quest.

Relief was found when the visit was moved into the bigger space of the open field. Clearly more at home than their hosts when space was available, another new lad Tommy Gannon was excited with a couple of early breaks. Unfortunately the excitement got the better of poor Tommy, when he tried to see far his elbow would bend in the wrong way which caused his arm to go blue like he’s eaten too much bubble gum; he was taken to hospital before it exploded however. Eventually resident Oompa Loompa Dan Worth was presented a beautiful opportunity by Tom Jepps to be the first to cross into the magical land of the try scored. After trying many times and coming so close, Ollay “Charlie” Kazeem joined Dan in the end zone. At the main interval Hackney had 12 chocolate bars to Willy Hitchin’s seven.

Next was the room full of high balls and lineouts. It was clear the King of this zone was our third newbie Dave Miller who took charge of proceedings when the ball was in the air and was equally proficient when it was on the ground. This meant the boys from Hackney started to enjoy their visit a little more, despite the hosts becoming less hospitable and starting to whinge like spoiled kids after more sweeties. Sam Wilkinson was the main benefactor as he wandered aimlessly around the in goal area dreaming of soaking up the sun in a faraway land, suddenly he stumbled across the biggest golden ticket of the lot, dropped at his feet by a careless Hitchinite. He quickly dived on the generous gift as if it was 1 hour token for his local tanning salon. Unfortunately the group of 16 then became 15 when Tom Jeeps was dragged into a giant chocolate vat by an Oompa Loompa which snapped his collar bone into 3 pieces. The remaining XV however survived to tell the tale, even Dan “Oompa Loompa” Worth made it to the end despite his feet being attached to his legs with some sort of papier-mâché instead of proper ankles. This left the real hero of the story, Ollay “Charlie” Kazeem to charge round the outside and into the glass elevator for his second try and a happy ever after ending.

MOTM – Dave Miller narrowly edged out fellow debutant Nic Stuart and Neil Cunningham. The future’s bright. The challenge is laid down for the returning heroes of the promotion season 2013/14 to come back and train hard to get up to speed…

For the illiterate amongst you; this match report was homage to Roald Dahl “Charlie and the chocolate factory” which celebrates it’s 50th anniversary of release this week. Normal match report service will resume next week, or maybe not, depends if I’ve sobered up by the Sunday when I write them.